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Why Mariah Carey’s Christmas Album is (Still) Festive AF

Yes, festive gays. Mariah and her dulcet (whistle) tones didn’t just deck her halls with bows of high notes on the iconic ‘All I Want For Christmas’, she went the whole pigs-in-blanket and released an album featuring 38 Santa-soaked minutes of joy. Here’s why her 24-year-old masterpiece needs to punctuate your festive season.

Silent Night
MC takes it up the octave flanked by a gospel choir in a remake of the carol classic. Even a festive husk will be moved.

All I Want For Christmas Is You
Who doesn’t cavort around in a low-cut Santa outfit looking for a big-bellied, bearded gentleman whilst trying to hit a high note? Just us? As you were.

O Holy Night
Take that Busta Rhymes (and Mimi’s ill-advised visor in the video). Please note, this track contains notes no longer within her reach.

“Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)”
If you’re single, bitter and on your second bowl of Baileys-and-Coco Pops, skip this track. If you’d rather not ‘deck the halls’ and deck him instead, fill your festive snow boots.

Miss You Most (At Christmas Time)
Time to jerk the tear ducts. After the joyful hope of the previous track Mariah’s sad. And now we are too.

Joy to the World
But it’s okay. The gospel choir has come back in from the cold and they’re here to cheer you up, avec driving disco beats. We defy you not to dance around in your onesie.

Jesus Born on This Day
MC lets some slightly-off-key little ones join her on guest vocals in probably the blandest of all the tracks on an otherwise masterpiece.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town
Poppers o’clock, the album’s highlight. Toybox piano lullabies give way to shaking bells and the promise of a sack emptying. Santa be praised.

Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
And indeed they do. Features a festive key change executed by harp. You’re welcome.

Jesus Oh What a Wonderful Child
The nativity story told with soul, two key changes, a tempo adjustment and an open invite from Mimi to take you to church. Halleloo.

Give praise gays. Buy it, stream it, listen and love it. Happy Christmas, in Excelsis Gay-O.

Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas Is You Tour is at London’s O2 on Tuesday 11 December

Written by MarkJ

A disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde-reading, Jane McDonald ticket-holding friend of Dorothy, know what I’m saying? Usually found wearing odd socks, at a gym or in Nandos.

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